Late Night Doesn’t Find It Hard to Believe Trump Forgot a Son

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CreditCreditVideo by Late Night with Seth Meyers

“President Trump announced today that he will consider banning the sale of all nontobacco-flavored vaping products, which is a shame, because vaping was the only way most American kids would ever find out what fruit tastes like.” — SETH MEYERS

“I mean, just listen to the flavors. You’ve got mango, jelly bean, birthday cake — those are clearly for kids, right? Adults don’t flavor their drugs. Like, I watched ‘Narcos’ — there was never a moment where someone was like, ‘Let me sample your product, man. Ah, yeah, butterscotch, I like it.’” — TREVOR NOAH

During Mr. Trump’s remarks on vaping, he told reporters that the first lady, Melania, had taken an interest in the subject because “she has a son” — an odd reference to the couple’s teenage son, Barron Trump.

“Or so I hear, I’ve not seen him for a while. He better not be vaping!” — JIMMY KIMMEL (as Trump)

“At least Darth Vader claimed his son. If Trump was the dark lord, he would be like, ‘Luke, she is your mother.’” — TREVOR NOAH

“The first lady has got a son — together. It’s a mutual son. Of course, I’m very involved with the doings of it, and so is the first lady, who is a lovely mother, together, who I love and know her name. So well that I won’t waste your time saying it out loud.” — STEPHEN COLBERT (as Trump)

“But, look, you can’t fault Trump for not being super eager to claim responsibility for his son. I mean, the dude has been burned twice.” — TREVOR NOAH

Bolton’s Bolting

Mr. Trump continued to speak about the exit of his third national security adviser, John R. Bolton, from the White House this week. On Wednesday, Mr. Trump referred to Mr. Bolton as a “tough guy; so tough, he got us into Iraq.” But he said that despite their disagreements, he wished Mr. Bolton well.

“Sounds like a real dope. Who hired that guy? I mean, whoever did that must be an idiot.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“If you knew all that, then why did you hire him in the first place? It’s like firing someone for embezzlement when they had ‘embezzlement’ under special skills on their résumé.” — SETH MEYERS

“Mr. Tough Guy got us into an unwinnable war, totally out of line with my administration. Dangerous, bad ideas, great guy, bright future. Wish him the best.” — STEPHEN COLBERT (as Trump)

“Sorry, John, you’re just not up to keeping us safe from America’s greatest enemy. You know who agrees with me? America’s greatest enemy.” — STEPHEN COLBERT (as Trump)

“According to sources, President Trump is expected to be his own foreign policy adviser following the firing of John Bolton. So I was wrong — he could find someone more dangerous than John Bolton.” — SETH MEYERS

The Punchiest Punchlines (Debate Edition)

“Tomorrow night is the third Democratic debate. The top 10 candidates will all be there: Joe Biden, Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, Mayor Pete, Comptroller Jim, probably Samuel L. Jackson — he’s in everything these days. The Progressive insurance lady, although Bernie thinks she’s not progressive enough.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“ABC News sent an email that said, ‘We will not be broadcasting on any delay, so there will be no opportunity to edit out foul language.’ Which, I don’t know, that doesn’t seem fair to me. I mean, what if Bernie’s sciatica is acting up? What if someone asks Beto if he likes Queens of the Stone Age?” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Biden better watch his ‘malarkeys’ and his ‘Jiminy Christmases.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“The third Democratic primary debate is tomorrow night — ‘and I’m going to be gaffe-free this time,’ said Joe Biden, naked from the waist down.” — SETH MEYERS

“And tomorrow’s debate on ABC is scheduled to be three hours long. Americans are like, ‘Um, the only thing we’ll watch for three hours on ABC is ‘The Bachelor.’” — JIMMY FALLON

The Bits Worth Watching

Kim Kardashian West shared a recent text from her husband and the last phrase she searched for on Google during Jimmy Fallon’s “Show Me Your Phone.”

What We’re Excited About on Thursday Night

Jake Tapper of CNN will chat with Stephen Colbert on Thursday’s “Late Show.”

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CreditIke Edeani for The New York Times